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by Karl Katzenberger
The BREAKDOWN
(updated 5/6/2008)
Greetings again from the land of perpetual cloud cover, Tacoma, Washing - er... St. Paul, Minnesota! Let's all do our part to keep pumping those greenhouse gases into the atmosphere! I mean what actual evidence do we have that weather patterns can possibly be affected by a constant barrage of fossil fuel flatus upon our landscape? Can I end every sentence in this opening paragraph with either an exclamation point or question mark? I'm excited to find out!
Can someone please hold the ladder as I back down off my soapbox? Thanks!
Two weeks ago, I asked for ideas for future columns. The public has spoken. Vigorously. Please keep the ideas pouring in - I actually do read all of the submissions I get. In fact, to make sure I touch upon all of them, I am running the ever popular "Inbox" gimmick column this week. These are the best ideas sent in by readers of this column. And no, this isn't a lazy-arsed cover up poor excuse for a column because I don't have anything interesting to contribute on my own to the volleyball community. As far as you know.
Please submit your column Ideas to ahsvb@hotmail.com or http://kkvb.blogspot.com/
On to the "Inbox": Actual emails submitted by readers -
Inbox: Do you think you could write about STMA right side Katharine Harms? She is amazing!
spikergurl@gmail.com - Albertsville, MN
Reply: Agreed - The way she keeps her tanning skills up to snuff is just fantastic. Her team is like a huge tanning rebel alliance war being waged every week, and the way she competes with that Murderer's Row of bronzing prodigies can only be described as "special". I mean she just came back from a trip to Florida scheduled right in the middle of a wildy successful JO season to keep pace with her MN Select 18-1's teammates. That shows her desire to be the absolute best. The Golden Gophers will be getting even Goldener when she shows up on campus in Fall of '09. Katharine also happens to have some immense volleyball skills. Her play at the last two qualifiers solidifies her as a bona-fide "stud". My term for someone who can clearly take over games and be viewed by even the most casual volleyball fan as the best player on the court. Just an athletic freak of nature blocking and overhead spiking from the front row and back. Oh by the way, did I mention she is just a Junior? She is probably the only high school girl who would be capable of successfully attempting this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cySfw8f0beg
Inbox: Hey Karl, Thank you for the great write up and exposure for Allison in your April 26th blog!
Jill and Gary Lutz - Wayzata, MN
Reply: You're welcome. I have had nothing but positive dealings with Allison, she is a great volleyball player and an even better kid. This was a story I wanted to devote the entire column to, but I had too many good emails this week. Keep up the good work faithful readers! You can read the Allison Lutz story here - http://kkvb.blogspot.com/2008/04/allison-lutz-wayzata-high-school-09.html it is a great read, and it helps me stay focused on the fact that we need to catch up to Wayzata in a hurry if we intend to beat their butts this fall. Did I mention this is a great High School VB rivalry? If you would like to read some more cool player profiles you can peruse the blog archives while your there. Guaranteed entertaining to read or it's free!
Inbox: Did you know that Armstrong volleyball is in need of donations to continue its 7th, 8th and 9th grade programs? I hear for a $25 or greater donation you can recieve a mention on the donor's list on their website and a chance to win an autographed football by U of M Golden Gophers Legend Darrell Thompson? Are you also aware that any donation is tax deductible and would give about 200-300 kids the chance to play volleyball for at least one more season? Did you know you can make donations via ahsvb@hotmail.com or http://kkvb.blogspot.com? Did you know in addition to gaining great karma - you will recieve total conscienceness on your death bed? So you'd have that going for you. Which is nice.
Karl K. - St. Paul, MN
Reply: Yes, I actually emailed that to myself so I could get through this whole column without violating the "Actual Emails" gimmick. Yes, we are getting desperate and need your help. Yes, I am not above shameless begging. Yes, I have seen Caddyshack 573 times. Yes, we can get back to the column now.
Inbox: What was your take on the Men's NCAA Volleyball Finals? I viewed it as a bunch of dudes who would be hopeless at any other athletic endeavor and have like zero chance of ever entertaining the thoughts of a romantic relationship with a woman - they all need a barber for their unforgiveable haircuts and the shamefully egregious moustaches that that one team had.
Andy P. - Champlin, MN
Reply: This is from my buddy Andy who is definately winning the private insult battle we have been quietly fighting for the last 10 years or so. I email an offensive joke about people that suffer from his "condition" to him. (I won't share his "condition" but let's just say he's a washed up ex-college offensive lineman who can eat 3 Chipotle burritos in one sitting. Draw your own conclusions.) He then emails something ten times more tasteless about me being an Asian-American. I don't really even consider this a battle anymore as he pretty much ended any chance of me winning with this gem a couple of weeks ago.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=36w-CyqCO1A - I still haven't really recovered from the irrevocable damage this has done to my self confidence in trading one liners with him. Just a life altering experience to say the least. I can't even bring myself to view this anymore. I mean WTF? How did he even find this?
Did he take like a week off of work and just google "Inflammatory Video to the Asian Race" for 12 hours a day? Arrrrggggggggggg!!! I will get you Andy!!!
Umm - next question...
Inbox: Did you see that softball player who hit a homerun and was carried around the bases? That was really touching and I hope you can spread the word...
Sarah M. - Hopkins, MN
Reply: We can all agree that this was a great moment. Not to take anything away from the outstanding gesture shown by the opposition here, but I mean c'mon. First, the batter was so amped up she forgets to touch first, then she tears her ACL while trying to go back to first base? Ouch - you have to be under a huge penalty from the Gods of Karma here right? Did you kick a puppy on the way to the stadium? See a homeless person panhandling and defecate in their donations cup? This is the backstory I really am interested in.
Inbox: I was coaching in a JO match recently and was treated to a very rude exchange with a player from an opposing team. What are the ground rules for common courtesies offered to others in JO volleyball? Have they drastically changed in the last 15 years since I was a player? It seems as if they have. Can you write something about simple etiquette in a JO Volleyball setting?
Alyssa J. - St. Michael, MN
Reply: Another topic I will probably devote an entire column to. I would agree that there are some problematic, unacceptable behaviors with kids in a volleyball tournament setting that you probably wouldn't see in say, a high school classroom, or at home with mom and dad. It's weird that they get near a volleyball court and lose all sense of manners and decorum. This is the exception, not the rule as most of the young ladies I encounter are well behaved, but there are bizarro isolated incidents that make you wonder - "Ummm - and the way you are acting is OK... - How?"
If I am missing any off this short list, email them to me. In an homage to "High Fidelity" (one of the most underrated movies of the last 10 years) here is my "Top 5 things that tick me off about teenage girls volleyball teams"
1) "I'll just leave 26 half drunken (drinken?) PowerAde bottles under the bench, my butler will come pick them up after we leave"
2) "If I'm a non essential part of the reffing crew, like libero tracking or down ref, it's OK if I text message non-stop during the course of the match"
3) "Why would I want a uniform that fits? I'll just order one that is two sizes too small! That's totally comfortable for the male coaches to see!"
4) "I don't have to listen to the site director, my mom or any other adult who isn't my coach - I can just ignore them until they stop talking to me"
5) "I have a basic right to do anything I want. Even if someone makes a totally reasonable request of me or my team. If I don't like it - too freaking bad"
There is alot of this going on lately. Not quite epidemic proportions, but I see it regularly. Warrants mentioning.
Inbox: STMA is going to be loaded this fall. Allie Knutsen is having an awesome JO season and is going to be an afterthought on a STMA squad featuring Katharine Harms and Catharine Yager. Can you do anything to tell folks about Allie? It's been a huge rejuvenation year for her.
Heather O. - Maple Grove, MN
Reply: Allie has done a marvelous job by all accounts. She is a huge cog in the MN Select 17-1's team that recently came thisclose to a USJO Open bid. Looking forward to the fall, STMA Head Coach John Yunker has to be positively giddy. He needs to keep everyone focused and healthy and they should be the prohibitive favorite to represent their section in the State Tourney. I mean a huge idiot could probably coach that team to state - and he probably will.
Inbox: Hey Karl, What's up? Say, we are having a scrimmage on Saturday, August 16th from 10-2p. Would you guys be interested? I am looking for a total of six teams. Right now we have STMA, Minnetonka, BSM, Moorhead - most likely. I have asked you, Osseo, and St. Cloud Cathedral to see who wants to fill it out. BSM would be a team from your section, but it is early in the season. Let me know either way if it will work for you. Thanks.
John Yunker
Head Volleyball Coach
St. Michael-Albertville
Reply: Umm... Yeah if you promise not to like, beat me up after that last "huge idiot" joke in the prior Inbox entry there. Heh. Did I mention that I really respect John's ability to coach? It's right up there with his goatee growing prowess. My lord, I am going to get killed next time I see Yunks. Just know this John - I will be carrying a bag of chicken with me at all times from now on. If you would like to know what that means - ask John. Or Scott Jackson. They fear the "Chicken in a Bag". You should too.
Inbox: Now that JO season is done for my daughter, is there anything she can do to continue to play this spring until summer camps start?
Jean R. - Golden Valley, MN
Reply: Yes! Monday and Wednesday evenings in May 7-9pm at Armstrong High School there is a volleyball open gym. All are welcome, cost is $3 per student, per session. They must bring a parental waiver to participate - found here: http://www.eteamz.com/ArmstrongVB/handouts
Inbox: The rumor mill has it that Huy Nguyen is retiring from coaching after this JO season. Can you confirm?
Todd P. - St. Cloud, MN
Reply: I can't confirm at this point. I need to ask him myself next time I see him. That would be a shame and a big loss for kids' volleyball in Minnesota. I can remember when he stepped down at White Bear Lake. It was like somewhere between "Magic Johnson has AIDS?" and "OJ is in that Bronco?". Only I'm not kidding. It was a big deal for those of us in the volleyball community. If the rumors are true - it is a sad day, and something that definately warrants it's own column. Just a huge loss for the "Art of Japanese Setting" and "Cock-a-sins" everywhere. (Check out my blog on Friday for why only 3% of the readers are laughing at that last sentence. Huge inside jokes between Huy, Ben Kiffmeyer and I. I promise to share the funniness though.)
Inbox: You should write about the strength of a woman.
Joseph Valentine Dworak, M.A.
Trans-Regional Director of Admissions and Recruitment
Bethel Seminary
St. Paul, MN 55112
Reply: This is in reference to a program that Joseph runs for our volleyball club called "Strength Finders". He gives a questionaire to the young ladies on our teams and then runs the results through some Rubric Machine that finds their individual strengths in different categories. Ie: Leadership, Problem Solving, Empathy etc... When he was delivering the scores to my team, I decided to be funny and play this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pcc2_lKy58I on my laptop when he was presenting his tabulations to each kid. Ya know - to make things less formal and classroom like. He went along with it, and then being the master of dry humor, he immediately submitted this "funny" idea to my Inbox for my column. This is about the 267th example of why I never want to try and match wits with people who have titles such as "M.A. & Trans-Regional Director of Admissions and Recruitment". Kids - stay in school. Get your education. The lesson as always, if you don't have a useful degree - you end up writing an Internet Volleyball Column for free as an adult. I will now go shove toothpicks all the way beneath my fingernails. I'd hire someone to do it for me, but that would require - ya know - steady income.
Inbox: SDSU is looking for a volleyball coach. 25 people have applied for the position. Do you know anyone that has applied?
Marvin V. - Fargo, ND
Reply: This is from my old friend in the radio biz "Marvelous Marv". Marv is your typical sports junkie who is always looking for the scoop on stories. Personally I think this is a clear case of propaganda by the SDSU Folks. I can't honestly believe that there are 25 people would voluntarily move to South Dakota.
Inbox: Is there going to be an Armstrong Summer Volleyball Camp again this year?
Jenny D. - Plymouth, MN
Reply: Yes! I haven't done the best job publicizing AHS Camp this summer, but please visit http://www.eteamz.com/ArmstrongVB/handouts/ - then click on the Summer Camp handout and skip to the bottom of the 3 page document for registration info. Fun for all ages July 28-31st. 3 sessions: 4-6th grade, 7-9th grade and 10-12th grade. Basically I am an idiot and need to be constantly reminded to get the info out on our wildly popular volleyball camp that will be held at Armstrong High School again this summer. It's fun to be in charge of a huge high school volleyball program!
Inbox: Please don't bring me a double cheeseburger tonight.
Scott Jackson
Head Volleyball Coach
Wayzata High School
Reply: Ok, Ok, sheesh. I wasn't aware you even ummm... liked double cheeseburgers.
PS: I am probably going to be killed or maimed by Scott or John very soon, unless I can fend them off with the Chicken in a Bag. So this might be the final column I write from the comfort of my hometown as opposed to the Intensive Care Unit at North Memorial Hospital. Good Times.
Hope you enjoyed "The Inbox". Actual emails sent in by my readers.
Thanks for reading - and Go Falcons!
Karl Katzenberger is a long time coach and supporter of youth volleyball in the state of Minnesota. He can be found checking his inbox on the bench this fall as the Head Volleyball Coach at Armstrong High School. Comments/feedback about this column, future column ideas or other worldy topics can be sent to ahsvb@hotmail.com or http://kkvb.blogspot.com |
